Toe Jam & Earl Review
Only slightly less wacky and bizarre than the game.
Toe Jam & Earl
Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Roguelike
Plot Synopsis: Toe Jam and Earl, the embarassingly eighties inhabitants of Planet Funkotron, are cruising along in their spaceship while pumping out some PHAT BEATS (and no “broadcast between space vessels” handwave– there are literally subwoofers sticking out the sides) when TJ (the red one) lets Earl (the orange one) drive. Bad move– they quickly get smashed by a meteor, causing their ship to crash into “the craziest planet in the galaxy– Earth!” And crazy it is, as devils, giant hamster balls, hula girls and dorks dressed as wizards with actual magic all make an appearance within the first three levels.
Gameplay Score: 4/20
Most roguelikes are turn based and have many RPG elements. Toe Jam&Earl forgoes that, instead making it real time and having the characters’ abilities more or less static. Two interesting features: randomized levels are optional, and it actually supports two-player mode. However, it’s not as fun or challenging as most other roguelikes. You remember how, when you played NetHack, you’d always end up dying by attacking a floating eye by accident, or in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon that damn Ryhorn would prevent you from using any good attacks because of its Lightning Rod? This sort of thing doesn’t really happen; the first few levels are slow paced, partially because the giant hamsterballs are the only things that pose any real threat and partially because your character moves at a snail’s pace when not equipped with hi-top sneakers. Give me a grid any day, so long as it doesn’t take me ten minutes to get through it. The concept itself, though, was fairly interesting– your goal was to get all ten ship parts, so it was, in a way, the proto-Pikmin 1. Key differences:
- In Pikmin, your characters don’t move like turtles after a stressful day.
- In Pikmin 1, there’s a time limit which adds a sense of urgency; in Pikmin 2, there’s an emphasis on “should I risk what I have, or take longer to win”, like in the classic dice game Zilch. In both cases, the game is all the better for it.
- In Pikmin, you actually worry about getting your ass kicked, like any good game you’ve never played before.
Summary: It’s boooooooring.
Tolerability Score: 9/10
For the length of time that I could actually stand to keep playing, there wasn’t anything or anyone really annoying or unfair. The only reason it avoids a perfect ten is the hula girls that don’t do much besides waste your time, as if they needed to pad out this thing any longer!
Plot Score: 6/10
While the plot is really stupid in and of itself, it gets bonus points for humor and dadaism. It’s greatly improved if you choose to view it as tongue-in-cheek, which I did unconsciously; only later did I realize that wait, this was released when executives might ACTUALLY HAVE BELIEVED that that’s how cool people talked. Then I got a little depressed.
The dadaism factor is fairly obvious; as I mentioned earlier, the variety of NPCs is simply bizarre, and the layout is completely random. Why are some sections arbitrarily covered in paved roads (or are they airstrips)? Why do telephones of all things reveal part of the map? Why does Earth have several layers of crust, suspended above each other? In this respect, it’s practically Zippy the Pinhead: The Game, but without the politics and the witty Griffyisms. If you want something bizarre, this is second only to Katamari Damacy.
Graphics Score: 3/5
The graphics are about as average as you can get. It’s a sort of isometric perspective, it’s drawn in the same goofy style all over. But really, you’d expect better from the same console that had Bubba ‘n’ Stix, with its esoteric enemies and interesting landscapes, and Comix Zone, with its vibrant colors and characters that look like they were actually right out of a silver age comic.
Music Score: 4/5
I can’t really complain about the music, but it’s not too thrilling, which fits right with the rest of the game. It’s nice and catchy, but nothing as memorable as most games.
Overall Score: 26/50
It’s severely weakened by the gameplay, so much so that when I saw that I had ranked it almost as highly as ActRaiser I decided to revamp the scoring system by doubling the points for gameplay. Congratulations, ToeJam&Earl: you get the first ever Glass Joe Sucking So Bad It Makes Everything Else Look Better Prize. If you play this game, you’d better have a high tolerance for slow pace, or you will not be happy.
Man, at least he's competent when he wears headgear.
Good site, but MORE PICS! You need to draw people!
Make it a dynamic reading experience, we aren’t all using Netscape 1.01!
Elrunethe2nd - September 7, 2009 at 2:33 pm |
It feels to me that you are being too harsh on an old game but criticizing the lack of features that modern rogue likes have. In turn, you compare it o two games that came out at least two years later. all in all though, I like you writing style, such comparisons are a good idea to get a sense of your idea across, just see if you can find better comparisons. Also, everyone loves screen shots with sarcastic commentary below them. Helps break up a block of text.
Damanation - October 13, 2009 at 11:42 pm |